Money and In-laws

Money Management

In chapter 2, of “What We Bring with Us,” by Poduska, he talks about family rules that regulate our perceptions and behaviors in all areas of family life, and some of these rules I brought with me into my marriage are; we sit down at the table to eat dinner together at night, respect family members, and pay bills on time. I remember as a kid my mother would sit down on payday, and write out checks to pay the bills. Dad worked and she kept track of all the funds. When I grew up and got married, it seemed very natural for me to take on the task of paying the bills even though we both worked.

However, I do pay our bills differently than my Mom did, because I take advantage of technology. I pay them through the Bill Pay feature of our banking institution. I have the majority of our bills sent via electronically into Bill Pay. Then, I schedule them for payment. When it comes to rules, Poduska teaches how each new couple brings to the marriage alter the rules learned from their own families. They have to learn how to mesh them together, and establish their own rules. And, using the Bill Pay option is one way my husband and I have altered the ‘rule’ from how my parents paid their bills.

Poduska also teaches about how your birth order effects your financial abilities. Here is a chart from his book that explains the different traits seen in people based upon their birth order:

Table 2.1 – BIRTH ORDER AND FINANCIAL ISSUES
BIRTH ORDER	CONTROL ISSUES	BUDGETING	NEEDS/WANTS
Firstborn	Is in control, takes charge, manages the checkbook, pays the bills.	Makes out a budget, makes sure everyone adheres to it.	Conservative; takes care of needs first, saves before buying.
Second Born	Hates being controlled, likes to have personal money.	Sometimes sabotages the firstborn’s budget.	Impatient, experiences severe stress if unable to satisfy wants.
Middle Born	Assumes responsibility for management tasks.	Trends to go along with whatever budget is established.	Sensitive to fairness, considers equally everyone’s needs.
Last Born	Doesn’t like controls, prefers to operate on impulse.	Sees budgets as restrictive; avoids responsibility.	Does not distinguish between needs and wants.

I really found this chart interesting, because my husband is a firstborn child, and I am a last-born child. My husband loves to save money, and hates spending. And yet, I am the one who tries to budget our money. I am definitely the impulsive buyer on in our marriage, and I have a hard time distinguishing between needs and wants.

Healthy Family Ties

While I read chapter 37 titled, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families”, by James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, I realized my relationship with my in-laws has not been typical. When I first married my husband my mother-in-law was very accepting and loving towards me. Then, one day things changed. All the sudden I felt she and her daughters (my husband’s sisters) were all against me. They said some really nasty things about me in front of my husband and children, and it really hurt me when the word got back to me. In the conclusion of this chapter, Harper and Olsen tell what you may have to do in order to push past hurt and estranged relationships by learning how to forgive. They said, “Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred.” Even though this situation also made my husband mad, and he refused to talk to his Mom for a year, I realized I could not harbor ill feeling toward my in-laws. I also realized together as a family we had to forgive his mother and sisters for what they had said about me. Nor did I want to turn into a bitter person. So, after many heartfelt prayers we felt inspired to treat his family kindly, and it did not matter how they felt or what they said about me.

Power Sharing

Who’s the Boss

In reading the article, “Who is the boss?” by Richard Miller, I learned how husbands and wives are to share in the responsibilities of decision making. I enjoyed his thoughts on how we are to discipline our children. The one thought that stuck out to me about parenting is, “Parents are the ‘executive committee’ and the ‘board of directors’ of a family.” He goes on to say parents set the limits, standards, and guidelines for how the children are expected to behave, and they must be united in leading the family. Then when the child becomes an adult the hierarchy dissolves. Parents still have the right to set household rules, but are not to govern them. He says it’s up to the adult children to make their own decisions.

While reading this article, I thought about the foolish things my son and his best friend did several years ago. The two of them went downtown for a night out. They chose to go to a Hooka Bar and smoked on some vapes. Both of them had been taught the Word of Wisdom, and knew smoking was unhealthy for their bodies. They preceded to take pictures of themselves, posting on Facebook showing off their poor choice of behavior. Several people chastised them and told them how disappointed they were of them.  The comment I chose to make was something like this, “You both have been taught right from wrong, and know what is healthy for your bodies. Regardless of the things you do wrong in life, I still love the both of you just like the Savior loves me.” Many people in who commented felt I was in the wrong, and did not like how I handled the situation. Yet I believe I did not have to chastise them any further. They were both adults, and old enough to make their own choices. I also realized they posted the pictures on Facebook to get a negative reaction, and they seemed to be delighted on all the negative comments they got.

 Even though my son is still inactive at church, my husband and I have several rules at home he and his sisters must obey. 1^st There is no alcoholic beverages allowed inside or outside our home. 2^nd If you feel you the need to smoke, then you have to go outside and take a walk. Because, we do not was to see or smell it. 3^rd Be considerate of others. 4^th Clean up after yourself. 5^th Come home at a decent hour during the week, and if you’re not coming home then let us know.

Infidelity

Safeguarding Marriage from Infidelity

 In our ward at church, my husband is the ward clerk. There is one sister in my ward that has been going down to the clerk’s office and hanging out every Sunday. She has a flirtatious personality. Even though she is married, she never seems to hang out with her husband. When she does this, it makes my husband feel very awkward. To avoid him from feeling this way, he asked me to sit in the clerk’s office with him. When I’m not able to sit in there with him he keeps the door closed.

Right from the start of our marriage we decided we would safeguard it. We also decided before we were ever married neither of us would ever tolerate cheating. Back then, I felt the definition of cheating referred to only having sexual relations with a person other than your spouse. But, I have learned it means so much more. In the book by Goddard, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, he teaches there is to be no sharing, dividing, or depriving, and your spouse always comes first (90). Infidelity can happen both physically and/or emotionally. Physical infidelity happens when a person has a sexual relationship with someone other than their spouse. Emotional infidelity happens when a partner begins to share thoughts, ideas, and time with a person of the opposite sex. Both types of infidelity are damaging to the marital relationship.

So, they way my husband and I developed our plan to avoid infidelity within our own marriage has been simple. First, we have made sure not to develop friendships with people of the opposite sex. Second, we both make sure we communicate with each other throughout the day. Third, we make sure we have a weekly date night. This allows us time to reflect on the past week, and to discuss with each other if there is anything bothering either one of us. Finally, my husband always comes straight home from work, and never goes out with the guys after work.

Overcoming Gridlock

What is Gridlock?

Gridlock in marriage is when you have a perpetual disagreement where no resolution can be found. There are four characteristics of gridlock which Gottman explains are:

1. You’ve had the same argument over and over again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasing polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

The way to overcome gridlock, Gottman explains is first, you have to figure out what underlying dreams you both have that are at the root of the gridlock. Then, you have to figure out a way to talk about the problem without hurting each other.

The way my husband and I have learned to avoid getting into a gridlock is by learning how to talk about what is bothering us without hurting each other’s feelings. We have also learned to not let the little things get to us. For example, at my house everyone enters through our back door. I have places for everyone to put their shoes away in the back-entry way. However, my husband loves to walk onto the wood floor and leave his shoes there. Now, I could get angry at him. Nag, and yell at him to put his shoes away. Or, I could just leave them where they are until he decides to put them away. If I let it bother me enough, we could eventually become gridlock over it. Simply because I like the house to stay neat and clean. Plus, where we live out in the country, we have a long dirt driveway, and we park on the dirt. When he chooses to not leave his shoes at the backdoor, it tracks all the dirt inside the house. It makes more work for me to have to constantly clean up after his shoe mess. So, the way we have avoided becoming gridlocked about his shoes is we have discussed calmly together. I've agreed not to nag him about it. And, he has agreed to clean up his own shoe mess. We both have learned to give a little, which prevents becoming gridlocked.

Marital Poop Detector

The "marital poop detector” we learn about from Gottman is so vital to a strong marriage, because it is a way of detecting when something isn’t “smelling” right about your marriage. The idea is to smell it out right from the start. So, you can discuss it while it’s in the minor stage. This will potentially avoid any problem escalating into a gridlock situation.

This is what I did about my husband’s shoes. Together we discussed my problem, and came up with a solution we both could live with.

Central Message of Gottman’s book

The central message of Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” is to teach married couples how to grow closer together, and to improve their marital relationship with each other.

The most important thing I learned from reading Gottman’s book is he teaches the reader how to get along with your spouse, and how to develop a closer relationship with each other.

The central message of Goddard book

Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” teaches the reader about gospel principles a couple should follow to strengthen their marriage. When a couple decides to pattern their marriage after Jesus Christ’s teachings then, together they will draw closer to Heavenly Father and draw closer to each other.

The most important thing I have learned from reading Goddard’s book is how to incorporate gospel principles into my own marriage, so that we will always have a covenant marriage.

How to Deal with Perpetual Problems in Marriage

Perpetual Problems in Marriage

This week I learned an amazing fact regarding problems that exist in marriage, and according to Gottman, “69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual (p. 138).” I feel this estimation is accurate based upon Gottman’s definition of perpetual problems which he says are problems that never go away. The typical perpetual problem usually has to deal with one partner wants to have a baby, sex, housework, religion, and children/discipline.

The difference between happy/unhappy couples address their perpetual problems are how they learn to approach their problems. Gottman says emotional intelligent (happy) couples approach them with humor, and learn to live with it (p. 138). Other couples continue working at their perpetual problems out by talking about them in a way to never overwhelm the relationship (p. 139). The unhappy couples end up killing their relationship, because according to Gottman, “the couple get gridlock over it (p. 140)”, by continuing the same old conversation and allowing elements of the “four horsemen” to enter into their relationship.

I have one friend and her husband where their perpetual problem is fighting over money. They scream and yell at each other, call each other all sorts of profanity, and treat each other disrespectfully. He thinks she should be able to pay all the bills, purchase groceries, and other necessities on the income he makes from 40 hours a week. He wants to save all his overtime in a separate account. Her problem is without the overtime he does not bring enough money home to pay all the bills and cover all the expenses, because they are deeply in debt.

The other couple I know seem to be a happy couple, and they also suffer from having a low income. But, they sit down together to pay their bills every month. They have established a plan to get out of debt, and rarely use a credit card. They never yell and scream at each other.

According to Gottman, whether problems are solvable or perpetual, the underlying keys to successfully addressing conflicts are:

• Negative emotions are important, but you have to learn to listen to each other without feeling like you are being attacked. This allows healing.
• Remember no one person is always right.
• Acceptance is crucial, because the other person needs to feel respected, and accepted for who they are.
• Focus on fondness and admiration for each other.

In my relationship with my husband, the repair attempts we both use to put on the brakes and lower the tension in our relationship is we use lots of humor. We are constantly joking around and laughing with each other. Like when I forget to check to make sure the toilet seat is down in the middle of the night, and end up on the cold rim and my uncontrolled response is to let a ‘yelp’ out, instead of getting angry at him we make a joke about it. We both end up laughing and he apologizes.

Forgiveness in Marriage

At the end of chapter 7, Gottman highlights the importance of forgiveness in marriage. Forgiveness is vital to a strong marriage, because neither spouse is perfect. There will be times when you have to admit to your spouse you were wrong and made a mistake. Forgiveness allows for the relationship to heal. Gottman says, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments (p. 159)”. He also says, “When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit (p. 159).” If you want a happy relationship with your spouse, then forgiveness is required of you both.

A few weeks ago, my husband misunderstood me when he called me, and told me he had taken his truck to our mechanic to have it looked at. My response confused him, because I asked why he took it in. He thought I was mad at him, and that I didn’t want him to spend money on his truck. But, when I better explained myself he understood my question, and realized I was not mad just wondering. He was also relieved once I understood what was wrong with it, I was glad he took it in. Otherwise, the problem would have gotten worse, and the repair would be over $1000 instead of $250.

“Agency and Anger” by Elder Lynn G. Robbins in the May 1998 Ensign

As I read this talk by Elder Robbins, one important thought I had about agency and anger is:

Everyone chooses how to behave/react during situations which can make us feel mad and angry. Elder Robbins quoted a couple of familiar statements that everyone tends to use which blames others for our anger such as; “I lost my temper” or “He made me made”. A temper is not an item that can be lost. What happens is we choose to react in a mad/angry manner. Everyone has the choice to choose how they will respond when someone says/acts in a manner we don’t like. Robbins goes on and states, “Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated with our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” This example shows people choose how they react. It is exactly why everyone needs to show love, kindness, respect, and consideration for all friends and family members.

After reading this article, I realized when it comes to close friends and family members I am less tolerant of them. They quickly annoy me, and I easily get mad at them. Like earlier this year at my nieces wedding when my sister accused me of not caring about our family, because I had to leave to catch a plane home. She wanted a picture of all of us siblings together. I quickly spat back to her, I obviously cared otherwise I would not flown across the country, rented a car, and got a hotel room in order to be there for my niece. That made her mad at me and she ran off crying. In the end, we both were mad at each other. I feel if my sister would have thought much sooner to have a picture taken of all of us together, like at the temple while we were waiting for the couple to come out, words and accusations could have been avoided.

References

Gottman, J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Robbins, L. G. (1998, May). Agency and Anger. Ensign.

Your Marriage Partner's Influence

Letting Your Partner Influence You

Gottman’s fourth principle, “Let Your Partner Influence You,” focuses on how to overcome pride in marriage. In every marriage, you have to learn how to share power. Gottman says it’s mainly men who are reluctant in giving up power, because they tend to drown out their wives influence by using one of the four horsemen during a confrontation.

In my own personal experience, for about two years I have been trying to convince my husband to change his work schedule back to a traditional work week (five eight hour days) from a non-traditional four (ten hour days). I had two valid reasons: First, when he comes home from work he is exhausted and only wants to eat dinner, sit on the couch and watch T.V., go to bed, and start the routine all over again the next day. Second, working five shorter days would be better for me, since my school assignments are centered around turning in assignments five to six days a week. He had been unwilling to see my point of view. All he could think of the fact he likes only having to work four days a week, and felt we had more time to spend together. Finally, when a couple of his co-workers complained about having to cover for him every Friday, he asked me what I thought of him working five days a week.

I held back my tongue, because the natural sarcastic response I wanted to scream was, “What were your ears hearing these past few years, when I’ve been trying to convince you to work five days a week!” I took a deep breath, and once again reassured him working five days a week would be great since he would get home much earlier, and it would give me the fifth day I need to complete my school work before the weekend.

Pride

Here are some of the quotes from President Ezra Taft Benson in his article titled “Beware of Pride,” in the May 1989 Ensign, that made me really think about Pride:

·         Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.

·         Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.

·         Pride is the universal sin, the great vice.

In life, it can be trying to keep from becoming prideful/boastful. Just like in my example I had to hold back my tongue by taking a deep breath which gave me time to think before I spoke to my husband about his work week. What I have learned is, prior to now he was not ready to hear my point of view. I had to let him choose his own work schedule. Otherwise, he might not be happy with the arrangements and be resentful towards me if I had forced him to change sooner than he was ready to. 

Take Time to Turn Towards Your Spouse

Turning towards your spouse

Some of the little ways in which I stay connected by turning toward my spouse are:

• Listening to him when something is bothering him.
• Taking the trash out to the road on trash day, because he was too busy the night before and forgot to.
• Helping him pull weeds or do yard work.
• Taking the time to give him a hug/kiss when I’m in the middle of cooking dinner.

Some of the ways my husband turns toward me are:

• Cleaning up the kitchen after dinner.
• Helping with the laundry.
• Dust and vacuum the house.
• Listening to me when something is bothering me.

Both of these lists could go on forever, because turning toward each other are daily occurrences for us. It is the seeming little actions which have profound impacts on our relationships. All these little things add up, and helps to build mutual trust, friendship, and the love for each other.

In reading chapter 6 of Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he says it’s all the little interactions that couples engage in that helps them to remain happy (p. 87). He goes on to explain, “What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting – they are attuning by turning toward each other” (p. 87). Turning towards each other in daily may seem like a mundane task, but it’s the meat to the sandwich. It’s what makes you not just husband and wife, but best friends.

How I Turned Towards My Husband

This past spring, when I had surgery I thought everything was all planned out. My husband and daughter were going to be in charge of keeping up on all the cooking and cleaning. I had prepared some freezer meals for quick dinners to help them out. But, four days after my surgery, my daughter injured her foot. She severely sprained it, and had to stay off of it for a couple of weeks. All the sudden, my husband felt overwhelmed. He still had to get up, and go to work daily. Then, come home and take care of us and the house. Seeing him so stressed out, I was able to turned towards him in simple ways like folding the laundry after he washed it. Using the freezer meals to cook dinner, so it would be ready when he got home. We worked together to make sure everyone’s needs were met. Even though I was limited in what I could do physically while healing, he could see I was trying to relieve him of his burdens. I did not have to do this, and I could have used the excuse of having surgery. But, in our marriage we both try to always help each other out.