In our ward at church, my husband is the ward clerk.
There is one sister in my ward that has been going down to the clerk’s office
and hanging out every Sunday. She has a flirtatious personality. Even though
she is married, she never seems to hang out with her husband. When she does
this, it makes my husband feel very awkward. To avoid him from feeling this way,
he asked me to sit in the clerk’s office with him. When I’m not able to sit in
there with him he keeps the door closed.
Right from the start of our marriage we decided we would
safeguard it. We also decided before we were ever married neither of us would
ever tolerate cheating. Back then, I felt the definition of cheating referred
to only having sexual relations with a person other than your spouse. But, I
have learned it means so much more. In the book by Goddard, “Drawing Heaven
into Your Marriage”, he teaches there is to be no sharing, dividing, or
depriving, and your spouse always comes first (90). Infidelity can happen both physically
and/or emotionally. Physical infidelity happens when a person has a sexual
relationship with someone other than their spouse. Emotional infidelity happens
when a partner begins to share thoughts, ideas, and time with a person of the
opposite sex. Both types of infidelity are damaging to the marital
relationship.
So, they way my husband and I developed our plan to avoid
infidelity within our own marriage has been simple. First, we have made sure
not to develop friendships with people of the opposite sex. Second, we both
make sure we communicate with each other throughout the day. Third, we make
sure we have a weekly date night. This allows us time to reflect on the past
week, and to discuss with each other if there is anything bothering either one
of us. Finally, my husband always comes straight home from work, and never goes
out with the guys after work.
Gridlock in marriage is when you
have a perpetual disagreement where no resolution can be found. There are four
characteristics of gridlock which Gottman explains are:
You’ve had the same argument over
and over again with no resolution.
Neither of you can address the
issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
The issue is becoming increasing
polarizing as time goes on.
Compromise seems impossible because
it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your
beliefs, values, or sense of self.
The way to overcome gridlock, Gottman explains is
first, you have to figure out what underlying dreams you both have that are at
the root of the gridlock. Then, you have to figure out a way to talk about the
problem without hurting each other.
The way my husband and I have learned to avoid
getting into a gridlock is by learning how to talk about what is bothering us
without hurting each other’s feelings. We have also learned to not let the
little things get to us. For example, at my house everyone enters through our
back door. I have places for everyone to put their shoes away in the back-entry
way. However, my husband loves to walk onto the wood floor and leave his shoes
there. Now, I could get angry at him. Nag, and yell at him to put his shoes
away. Or, I could just leave them where they are until he decides to put them
away. If I let it bother me enough, we could eventually become gridlock over
it. Simply because I like the house to stay neat and clean. Plus, where we live
out in the country, we have a long dirt driveway, and we park on the dirt. When
he chooses to not leave his shoes at the backdoor, it tracks all the dirt
inside the house. It makes more work for me to have to constantly clean up
after his shoe mess. So, the way we have avoided becoming gridlocked about his
shoes is we have discussed calmly together. I've agreed not to nag him about it.
And, he has agreed to clean up his own shoe mess. We both have learned to give
a little, which prevents becoming gridlocked.
Marital Poop Detector
The "marital poop detector” we learn about from
Gottman is so vital to a strong marriage, because it is a way of detecting when
something isn’t “smelling” right about your marriage. The idea is to smell it
out right from the start. So, you can discuss it while it’s in the minor stage.
This will potentially avoid any problem escalating into a gridlock situation.
This is what I did about my husband’s shoes.
Together we discussed my problem, and came up with a solution we both could
live with.
Central Message of Gottman’s book
The central message of Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles
for Making Marriage Work,” is to teach married couples how to grow closer
together, and to improve their marital relationship with each other.
The most important thing I learned from reading Gottman’s
book is he teaches the reader how to get along with your spouse, and how to
develop a closer relationship with each other.
The central message of Goddard book
Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” teaches
the reader about gospel principles a couple should follow to strengthen their
marriage. When a couple decides to pattern their marriage after Jesus Christ’s
teachings then, together they will draw closer to Heavenly Father and draw
closer to each other.
The most important thing I have learned from reading Goddard’s
book is how to incorporate gospel principles into my own marriage, so that we
will always have a covenant marriage.
This week I learned an amazing fact regarding problems
that exist in marriage, and according to Gottman, “69% of all problems in
marriage are perpetual (p. 138).” I feel this estimation is accurate based upon
Gottman’s definition of perpetual problems which he says are problems that
never go away. The typical perpetual problem usually has to deal with one
partner wants to have a baby, sex, housework, religion, and
children/discipline.
The difference between happy/unhappy couples address
their perpetual problems are how they learn to approach their problems. Gottman
says emotional intelligent (happy) couples approach them with humor, and learn
to live with it (p. 138). Other couples continue working at their perpetual
problems out by talking about them in a way to never overwhelm the relationship
(p. 139). The unhappy couples end up killing their relationship, because
according to Gottman, “the couple get gridlock over it (p. 140)”, by continuing
the same old conversation and allowing elements of the “four horsemen” to enter
into their relationship.
I have one friend and her husband where their
perpetual problem is fighting over money. They scream and yell at each other,
call each other all sorts of profanity, and treat each other disrespectfully.
He thinks she should be able to pay all the bills, purchase groceries, and
other necessities on the income he makes from 40 hours a week. He wants to save
all his overtime in a separate account. Her problem is without the overtime he
does not bring enough money home to pay all the bills and cover all the
expenses, because they are deeply in debt.
The other couple I know seem to be a happy couple, and
they also suffer from having a low income. But, they sit down together to pay
their bills every month. They have established a plan to get out of debt, and
rarely use a credit card. They never yell and scream at each other.
According to Gottman, whether problems are solvable or
perpetual, the underlying keys to successfully addressing conflicts are:
Negative emotions are
important, but you have to learn to listen to each other without feeling like
you are being attacked. This allows healing.
Remember no one person is
always right.
Acceptance is crucial,
because the other person needs to feel respected, and accepted for who they
are.
Focus on fondness and
admiration for each other.
In my relationship with my husband, the repair
attempts we both use to put on the brakes and lower the tension in our
relationship is we use lots of humor. We are constantly joking around and
laughing with each other. Like when I forget to check to make sure the toilet
seat is down in the middle of the night, and end up on the cold rim and my
uncontrolled response is to let a ‘yelp’ out, instead of getting angry at him
we make a joke about it. We both end up laughing and he apologizes.
Forgiveness in Marriage
At the end of chapter 7, Gottman highlights the
importance of forgiveness in marriage. Forgiveness is vital to a strong
marriage, because neither spouse is perfect. There will be times when you have
to admit to your spouse you were wrong and made a mistake. Forgiveness allows
for the relationship to heal. Gottman says, “For a marriage to go forward
happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments (p.
159)”. He also says, “When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit (p. 159).”
If you want a happy relationship with your spouse, then forgiveness is required
of you both.
A few weeks ago, my husband misunderstood me when he
called me, and told me he had taken his truck to our mechanic to have it looked
at. My response confused him, because I asked why he took it in. He thought I
was mad at him, and that I didn’t want him to spend money on his truck. But, when
I better explained myself he understood my question, and realized I was not mad
just wondering. He was also relieved once I understood what was wrong with it,
I was glad he took it in. Otherwise, the problem would have gotten worse, and the
repair would be over $1000 instead of $250.
“Agency and Anger” by Elder
Lynn G. Robbins in the May 1998 Ensign
As I read this talk by Elder Robbins, one important thought
I had about agency and anger is:
Everyone chooses how to behave/react during situations
which can make us feel mad and angry. Elder Robbins quoted a couple of familiar
statements that everyone tends to use which blames others for our anger such as;
“I lost my temper” or “He made me made”. A temper is not an item that can be
lost. What happens is we choose to react in a mad/angry manner. Everyone has
the choice to choose how they will respond when someone says/acts in a manner
we don’t like. Robbins goes on and states, “Ever notice how seldom we lose
control when frustrated with our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by
friends or family?” This example shows people choose how they react. It is
exactly why everyone needs to show love, kindness, respect, and consideration
for all friends and family members.
After reading this article, I realized when it comes
to close friends and family members I am less tolerant of them. They quickly
annoy me, and I easily get mad at them. Like earlier this year at my nieces
wedding when my sister accused me of not caring about our family, because I had
to leave to catch a plane home. She wanted a picture of all of us siblings
together. I quickly spat back to her, I obviously cared otherwise I would not
flown across the country, rented a car, and got a hotel room in order to be
there for my niece. That made her mad at me and she ran off crying. In the end,
we both were mad at each other. I feel if my sister would have thought much
sooner to have a picture taken of all of us together, like at the temple while
we were waiting for the couple to come out, words and accusations could have
been avoided.
References
Gottman,
J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.
Robbins,
L. G. (1998, May). Agency and Anger. Ensign.
Gottman’s
fourth principle, “Let Your Partner Influence You,” focuses on how to overcome
pride in marriage. In every marriage, you have to learn how to share power. Gottman
says it’s mainly men who are reluctant in giving up power, because they tend to
drown out their wives influence by using one of the four horsemen during a
confrontation.
In
my own personal experience, for about two years I have been trying to convince
my husband to change his work schedule back to a traditional work week (five
eight hour days) from a non-traditional four (ten hour days). I had two valid
reasons: First, when he comes home from work he is exhausted and only wants to
eat dinner, sit on the couch and watch T.V., go to bed, and start the routine
all over again the next day. Second, working five shorter days would be better
for me, since my school assignments are centered around turning in assignments
five to six days a week. He had been unwilling to see my point of view. All he
could think of the fact he likes only having to work four days a week, and felt
we had more time to spend together. Finally, when a couple of his co-workers
complained about having to cover for him every Friday, he asked me what I
thought of him working five days a week.
I
held back my tongue, because the natural sarcastic response I wanted to scream
was, “What were your ears hearing these past few years, when I’ve been trying
to convince you to work five days a week!” I took a deep breath, and once again
reassured him working five days a week would be great since he would get home
much earlier, and it would give me the fifth day I need to complete my school
work before the weekend.
Pride
Here
are some of the quotes from President Ezra Taft Benson in his article titled
“Beware of Pride,” in the May 1989 Ensign, that made me really think about
Pride:
·Most
of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or
haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is
still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and
enmity toward our fellowmen.
·Pride
is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in
ourselves.
·Pride
is the universal sin, the great vice.
In
life, it can be trying to keep from becoming prideful/boastful. Just like in my
example I had to hold back my tongue by taking a deep breath which gave me time
to think before I spoke to my husband about his work week. What I have learned
is, prior to now he was not ready to hear my point of view. I had to let him
choose his own work schedule. Otherwise, he might not be happy with the
arrangements and be resentful towards me if I had forced him to change sooner
than he was ready to.
