Overcoming Gridlock

What is Gridlock?

Gridlock in marriage is when you have a perpetual disagreement where no resolution can be found. There are four characteristics of gridlock which Gottman explains are:

1. You’ve had the same argument over and over again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasing polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

The way to overcome gridlock, Gottman explains is first, you have to figure out what underlying dreams you both have that are at the root of the gridlock. Then, you have to figure out a way to talk about the problem without hurting each other.

The way my husband and I have learned to avoid getting into a gridlock is by learning how to talk about what is bothering us without hurting each other’s feelings. We have also learned to not let the little things get to us. For example, at my house everyone enters through our back door. I have places for everyone to put their shoes away in the back-entry way. However, my husband loves to walk onto the wood floor and leave his shoes there. Now, I could get angry at him. Nag, and yell at him to put his shoes away. Or, I could just leave them where they are until he decides to put them away. If I let it bother me enough, we could eventually become gridlock over it. Simply because I like the house to stay neat and clean. Plus, where we live out in the country, we have a long dirt driveway, and we park on the dirt. When he chooses to not leave his shoes at the backdoor, it tracks all the dirt inside the house. It makes more work for me to have to constantly clean up after his shoe mess. So, the way we have avoided becoming gridlocked about his shoes is we have discussed calmly together. I've agreed not to nag him about it. And, he has agreed to clean up his own shoe mess. We both have learned to give a little, which prevents becoming gridlocked.

Marital Poop Detector

The "marital poop detector” we learn about from Gottman is so vital to a strong marriage, because it is a way of detecting when something isn’t “smelling” right about your marriage. The idea is to smell it out right from the start. So, you can discuss it while it’s in the minor stage. This will potentially avoid any problem escalating into a gridlock situation.

This is what I did about my husband’s shoes. Together we discussed my problem, and came up with a solution we both could live with.

Central Message of Gottman’s book

The central message of Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” is to teach married couples how to grow closer together, and to improve their marital relationship with each other.

The most important thing I learned from reading Gottman’s book is he teaches the reader how to get along with your spouse, and how to develop a closer relationship with each other.

The central message of Goddard book

Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” teaches the reader about gospel principles a couple should follow to strengthen their marriage. When a couple decides to pattern their marriage after Jesus Christ’s teachings then, together they will draw closer to Heavenly Father and draw closer to each other.

The most important thing I have learned from reading Goddard’s book is how to incorporate gospel principles into my own marriage, so that we will always have a covenant marriage.