How to Deal with Perpetual Problems in Marriage

Perpetual Problems in Marriage

This week I learned an amazing fact regarding problems that exist in marriage, and according to Gottman, “69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual (p. 138).” I feel this estimation is accurate based upon Gottman’s definition of perpetual problems which he says are problems that never go away. The typical perpetual problem usually has to deal with one partner wants to have a baby, sex, housework, religion, and children/discipline.

The difference between happy/unhappy couples address their perpetual problems are how they learn to approach their problems. Gottman says emotional intelligent (happy) couples approach them with humor, and learn to live with it (p. 138). Other couples continue working at their perpetual problems out by talking about them in a way to never overwhelm the relationship (p. 139). The unhappy couples end up killing their relationship, because according to Gottman, “the couple get gridlock over it (p. 140)”, by continuing the same old conversation and allowing elements of the “four horsemen” to enter into their relationship.

I have one friend and her husband where their perpetual problem is fighting over money. They scream and yell at each other, call each other all sorts of profanity, and treat each other disrespectfully. He thinks she should be able to pay all the bills, purchase groceries, and other necessities on the income he makes from 40 hours a week. He wants to save all his overtime in a separate account. Her problem is without the overtime he does not bring enough money home to pay all the bills and cover all the expenses, because they are deeply in debt.

The other couple I know seem to be a happy couple, and they also suffer from having a low income. But, they sit down together to pay their bills every month. They have established a plan to get out of debt, and rarely use a credit card. They never yell and scream at each other.

According to Gottman, whether problems are solvable or perpetual, the underlying keys to successfully addressing conflicts are:

• Negative emotions are important, but you have to learn to listen to each other without feeling like you are being attacked. This allows healing.
• Remember no one person is always right.
• Acceptance is crucial, because the other person needs to feel respected, and accepted for who they are.
• Focus on fondness and admiration for each other.

In my relationship with my husband, the repair attempts we both use to put on the brakes and lower the tension in our relationship is we use lots of humor. We are constantly joking around and laughing with each other. Like when I forget to check to make sure the toilet seat is down in the middle of the night, and end up on the cold rim and my uncontrolled response is to let a ‘yelp’ out, instead of getting angry at him we make a joke about it. We both end up laughing and he apologizes.

Forgiveness in Marriage

At the end of chapter 7, Gottman highlights the importance of forgiveness in marriage. Forgiveness is vital to a strong marriage, because neither spouse is perfect. There will be times when you have to admit to your spouse you were wrong and made a mistake. Forgiveness allows for the relationship to heal. Gottman says, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments (p. 159)”. He also says, “When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit (p. 159).” If you want a happy relationship with your spouse, then forgiveness is required of you both.

A few weeks ago, my husband misunderstood me when he called me, and told me he had taken his truck to our mechanic to have it looked at. My response confused him, because I asked why he took it in. He thought I was mad at him, and that I didn’t want him to spend money on his truck. But, when I better explained myself he understood my question, and realized I was not mad just wondering. He was also relieved once I understood what was wrong with it, I was glad he took it in. Otherwise, the problem would have gotten worse, and the repair would be over $1000 instead of $250.

“Agency and Anger” by Elder Lynn G. Robbins in the May 1998 Ensign

As I read this talk by Elder Robbins, one important thought I had about agency and anger is:

Everyone chooses how to behave/react during situations which can make us feel mad and angry. Elder Robbins quoted a couple of familiar statements that everyone tends to use which blames others for our anger such as; “I lost my temper” or “He made me made”. A temper is not an item that can be lost. What happens is we choose to react in a mad/angry manner. Everyone has the choice to choose how they will respond when someone says/acts in a manner we don’t like. Robbins goes on and states, “Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated with our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” This example shows people choose how they react. It is exactly why everyone needs to show love, kindness, respect, and consideration for all friends and family members.

After reading this article, I realized when it comes to close friends and family members I am less tolerant of them. They quickly annoy me, and I easily get mad at them. Like earlier this year at my nieces wedding when my sister accused me of not caring about our family, because I had to leave to catch a plane home. She wanted a picture of all of us siblings together. I quickly spat back to her, I obviously cared otherwise I would not flown across the country, rented a car, and got a hotel room in order to be there for my niece. That made her mad at me and she ran off crying. In the end, we both were mad at each other. I feel if my sister would have thought much sooner to have a picture taken of all of us together, like at the temple while we were waiting for the couple to come out, words and accusations could have been avoided.

References

Gottman, J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Robbins, L. G. (1998, May). Agency and Anger. Ensign.