Take Time to Turn Towards Your Spouse

Turning towards your spouse

Some of the little ways in which I stay connected by turning toward my spouse are:

• Listening to him when something is bothering him.
• Taking the trash out to the road on trash day, because he was too busy the night before and forgot to.
• Helping him pull weeds or do yard work.
• Taking the time to give him a hug/kiss when I’m in the middle of cooking dinner.

Some of the ways my husband turns toward me are:

• Cleaning up the kitchen after dinner.
• Helping with the laundry.
• Dust and vacuum the house.
• Listening to me when something is bothering me.

Both of these lists could go on forever, because turning toward each other are daily occurrences for us. It is the seeming little actions which have profound impacts on our relationships. All these little things add up, and helps to build mutual trust, friendship, and the love for each other.

In reading chapter 6 of Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he says it’s all the little interactions that couples engage in that helps them to remain happy (p. 87). He goes on to explain, “What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting – they are attuning by turning toward each other” (p. 87). Turning towards each other in daily may seem like a mundane task, but it’s the meat to the sandwich. It’s what makes you not just husband and wife, but best friends.

How I Turned Towards My Husband

This past spring, when I had surgery I thought everything was all planned out. My husband and daughter were going to be in charge of keeping up on all the cooking and cleaning. I had prepared some freezer meals for quick dinners to help them out. But, four days after my surgery, my daughter injured her foot. She severely sprained it, and had to stay off of it for a couple of weeks. All the sudden, my husband felt overwhelmed. He still had to get up, and go to work daily. Then, come home and take care of us and the house. Seeing him so stressed out, I was able to turned towards him in simple ways like folding the laundry after he washed it. Using the freezer meals to cook dinner, so it would be ready when he got home. We worked together to make sure everyone’s needs were met. Even though I was limited in what I could do physically while healing, he could see I was trying to relieve him of his burdens. I did not have to do this, and I could have used the excuse of having surgery. But, in our marriage we both try to always help each other out. 

Love Maps

"Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another" (p. 24).

         - Elder Gordon B. Hinckley

Marr. & Fam. Rel. Part. Study Guide

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

This week in reading chapter 4 of, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by Gottman, I learned couples that have a detailed Love Map are better prepared to handle stress and conflict within their marriage. Gottman’s defines Love Map “as the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” Emotionally intelligent couples will know specific details of each other’s lives, giving them a very vivid Love Map. He then discusses how many couples get into a pattern of not paying attention to the details of each other’s lives, and they have a vague Love Map.

There are many challenges in a marriage that can make it difficult to maintain your Love Map over a long period of time. Gottman describes them as;

Having a baby is just one life event that can cause couples to lose their way if they don’t have a detailed love map. Any major change – from a job shift to a move to illness or retirement – can have the same effect. Just the passage of time can do it as well. The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.

In marriage, you have to continuously work at knowing who your spouse is daily. Because, over time every one changes. So, you have to keep up with all the changes to keep a detailed Love Map.

In my own personal marriage, I was a very different person when I married my husband. I was very selfish and only thought of myself and having a good time. Life was grand and I loved being single, and independent. I would come and go as I pleased. But, that all changed when I got married. All the sudden I had the most wonderful man who loved me, and wanted to be with me always. So, I had to learn to think of him first.

I have been married to my husband for 23 years, now. He is my best friend, and I couldn’t imagine going a day without being able to talk to him. We have woven our lives together. I feel we have a very vivid Love Map.

Learn to Avoid Barriers in Your Relationship

How I learned to Avoid My Barrier

It seems one problem many women have with their husbands is when they forget to put the toilet seat down. We have all been there! It always seems to happen in the middle of the night when you’re half asleep and need to use the bathroom. You muddle your way in the dark and sit down only to find your sitting on a cold clammy wet toilet bowl.

            Yes, it’s so frustrating! If you could teach your husband one thing this would be it. And, you swear on your life when you have a son, to make sure he learns to put down the seat. But, low and behold even though you did teach him to shut the lid, flush, and wash his hands at the time he was potty trained. He grows up, and all the training goes out the door when he goes to school.

Barriers in Relationships

            In reading this week, “Draw Heaven into Your Marriage”, by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, I learned how important it is to learn how to not let little things, like not putting the toilet seat down, become a huge barrier in your relationship.

            Since, I grew up with two brothers that never put the toilet seat down, and found myself numerous times in the frightful state of ending up on the cold clammy bowl, I thought it would be an important thing for a husband to learn. This week I had to read the first three chapters of the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John Gottman, and Nan Silver, and they explain about conflicts by stating;

He says most marital conflicts are never resolved, because they are rooted in the fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. This is why it’s so important for partners to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict – and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.

I’m glad early in my marriage, I decided this was not an issue worth fighting over, and I learned to make sure when I have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night to feel for the seat prior to sitting down. This way I avoid the shell shock that comes from sitting on the cold bowl.

Covenant Marriages

Covenant Marriage vs. Contractual Marriage

Many people do not realize there are two types of marriages; covenant marriage and contractual marriage. Bruce C. Hafen in the November 1996 issue of the “Ensign” magazine explains the differences as, “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” These differences are due to the level of commitment to the relationship. The biggest problem with contract marriages is when troubles and problems arise both partners walk away. In a Covenant Marriage both partners work to solve the problems.

My Covenant Marriage

Before I married my husband, we both had decided we wanted to have a marriage where we would work through our differences to solve the problems that would arrive. My bishop wisely counseled us to make wise financial decisions by always paying a full tithe, and to save 10% of our income. I know poor money management is a major pitfall of too many marriages, and in following his advice we have been able to avoid money management fights/arguments.

The Wolves of Marriages

Brother Hafen’s article described three different types of wolves that come to marriages as:

1.      Natural adversity - trials that come naturally from living life.

2.      Their own imperfections – which everyone has since no one person is perfect.

3.      Excessive individualism – putting yourself before anyone else.

Even though I feel all three wolves are detrimental to our society, the third wolf seems to be tearing apart too many families. The divorces I have seen happen within my extended family all seem begin with one of the partners thinking only of themselves by putting their own needs and desires first. This is like a wedge being driven into the relationship, and as time goes on the wedge begins to split and break apart the marriage. To prevent letting a wedge into your marriage, we have to continually be thinking and putting others first. This will help ensure to keep our family woven together. Then, as every member of the family are putting their best effort forth the relationship will work out.

Traditional Marriage

Supreme Court Opinion

This week I have learned so much about the importance of traditional marriage from reading the Supreme Court Opinion in Obergefell v. Hodges. Even though the Supreme Court decided to approve same sex marriage, it is important to remember it was passed by only a 5 to 4 vote. The four dissenting justices all felt deeply against the approval, because it created a law that will hurt the future of our families and our country.

When this decision was made the news media was so excited for the ‘so called’ equal rights for the homosexual community, and the four dissenting judges were completely over looked. It was as if nobody cared about their opinion. Thankfully they all wrote their dissenting remarks to be read by all who wish to read it.

Why People of  Faith are Opposed to Same-sex Marriage

The majority of citizens wonder why people of faith have made such a big deal about legalizing same-sex marriage, so I will explain my beliefs.

The reason I am against it is because it is contrary to our Heavenly Father’s law, and his Plan of Salvation. We were all created in His image, and commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. I feel allowing same-sex marriage frustrates this plan.

Then, the issue arises of children being raised in two mother or two father households, and I feel children need both a mother and a father in their lives. As a mother, my husband cannot do my job, and I cannot do his job. Cathy Ruse’s speech at the World Congress of Families IX explains this perfectly, and I encourage you to take the time to watch it by clicking on following video link:

Quotes by Justice Roberts and Justice Scalia

Here are a few quotes in Obergefell v. Hodges (2015) that I found to be insightful and meaningful that I would like to share:

1. By Justice C.J. Roberts he stated, “Under the Constitution, judges have power to say what the law is, not what it should be. (page 2)” This is a very important fact, because the Supreme Court is not the government branch to write laws, but to interpret them.
2. This next quote by Justice Roberts is another reason he was against writing same-sex marriage into law where he states, “This universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence. Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship. (page 4 and 5)” This statement follows the beliefs of all people who are for Traditional Marriage.
3. The quote by Justice J. Scalia where he says “This practice of constitutional revision by an unelected committee of nine, always accompanied (as it is today) by extravagant praise of liberty, robs the People of the most important liberty they asserted in the Declaration of Independence and won in the Revolution of 1776: the freedom to govern themselves. (page 2)” Even though prior in his comments he states he basically could care less about if people of same-sex are allowed to marry or not, his opinion was solely based upon our personal freedom being robbed from us. He also states how he feels the five judges who passed the law are trying to overthrow the government (page 6).